Ignorance (take2)

"So what, you just don't like food?"

This is how my boss responded when I confided that I was seeking treatment for an eating disorder and would need some time off work.

"You know, I just don't get the eating disorder thing. I'd eat anything you put in front of me. They say you live longer if you're skinny anyway."

Really? REALLY?? Despite the fact that talking about it nearly brings me to tears every time, and that I had to work up my bravery all morning to tell you this, THIS is how you reply??

It's 2014. Aren't people more aware of the seriousness of mental illness? I've been a big supporter of Bell's "Let's Talk" Day, and Eating Disorder Awareness Week in the past few years, but I've never really stopped to think about what it meant to "raise awareness".  I just kind of thought, this day in age, it wasn't even an issue of people be unaware.  People had to know how real and how debilitating mental illness can be.  But apparently not. My boss is a prime example of how ignorant (and rude) people can still be.

Mental illness, namely eating disorder in my case, is not to be taken lightly.  Just to put it in perspective, anorexia nearly killed me ten years ago.  At twelve years old, I had dropped down to a disgustingly low weight.  My body had deteriorated so badly, and my heartrate was so low, that I was immediately admitted into hospital and hooked up to a half-dozen machines.

After a three month hospital stay, I was healthy enough to go back to "normal" life, but now, even ten years later,  I'm not truly healthy.  The hospital stay made my body healthy(er), but my mind stayed as crazy as ever.  Almost every single day since then has been a struggle; every calorie that enters my body has been a tiny battle.  I'm constantly aware of what I eat, and how or if it might affect my weight.

After ten years of stress and anxiety over something as basic as food, you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of letting anorexia and its evil little voice in my head control every day of my life.

I've talked to my parents and close friends, and I've been to several professionals already.  I'm in the process of getting enrolled in an out-patient therapy program. I'm taking steps to make myself healthy, mentally and physically. It's not going to be easy, and to be honest, I'm terrified, but I know it's a HUGELY positive thing in my life.

So, when I went to my boss to try and explain the situation, at the very least I was hoping he'd be happy to hear that I was doing something to improve my health. I never expected to be trivialized, as if the struggle my life has been for the past decade was no big deal, a joke.

The more I reflected on the conversation, the more annoyed I got.  Here I am, making one of the scariest decisions of my life, and you act as if I should just be able to get over it?  Now, on top of the appointments, doctors, therapy, and stress, I have to deal with the skepticism and judgment of my boss?

And I know now that he's not the only person around who is so oblivious.  After meeting with other girls at group therapy, I've heard how they all have people in their lives who just don't get it.  Contrary to what these people believe, it's not a matter of just getting over it, just eating a piece of cake. 

I'm not sure my purpose in writing this is.  To raise awareness?  Maybe.  If people read this and choose to learn more about eating disorders, or anything other type of mental illness, great.  I think it's more in the hopes of ending such rudeness in people's ignorance.  Even if you don't understand the struggle of someone else, or if it seems like a silly issue to you, please understand that to them it is a big deal.  Please, please don't make them feel like their problems don't matter.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

Intro to Recovery

I really, really hate myself for it, but my first thought was along the lines of "Good. I'm one of the skinniest girls here."

I had my first orientation meeting with the recovery group today.  Just like after my solo meeting last week, I left feeling discouraged.  I go to the Centre feeling so motivated and so ready to change my life, and I leave feeling defeated, or like I've come to the wrong place.

I'm not like those other sick girls though, I eat all the time.  I just need someone to talk to; I don't need to see a dietitian; I can just talk through some stuff with a psychologist and then I'll probably just be all recovered!  Even while I'm thinking these things I know they're not fully true, but these are the "facts" my brain chooses to cling to.

I want to get better, and then I don't.  Mostly, I'm terrified.  I was diagnosed with an eating disorder at age twelve, and had unhealthy food/body issues for god knows how long before that.  At age twenty-one, I really can't remember ever having a life that wasn't governed by Ed's rules.  Recovery would mean a whole new standard of "normal", and I really don't know if I'm ready for that, or ever will be.  I don't know if I want to give up that feeling of control.

In theory, recovery sounds great.  I'd love to be able to not worry about what I eat or how I look or how much I weigh.  I'd love to relax and not be so uptight and worried all the time.  I'd love to be able to mindlessly eat a bag of chips, and then not feel sickened with guilt afterwards.  But right now, all of those things equate to the same thing in my head: fat.

I keep hearing about these girls who manage to beat their eating disorders, and live normal, healthy lives, and they still look amazing.  And I know their stories are meant to inspire me and convince me that recovery is possible, yet I keep writing myself off as a lost cause.  Mighta worked for them, but this is just the way I am.  This is how my life is, and it's probably not going to change.  And I hate these thoughts, I hate myself for having these thoughts.  I want to believe that I can do this, that life after recovery will be so much better.

But right now it's a huge struggle.

Help??

The Unaware Asshole: Raising Mental Health Awareness

"So what, you just don't like food?"

This is how my boss responded when I confided that I was seeking treatment for an eating disorder and would need some time off work.

"You know, I just don't get the eating disorder thing. I'd eat anything you put in front of me. They say you live longer if you're skinny anyway."

Really? REALLY?? Despite the fact that talking about it nearly brings me to tears every time, and that I had to work up my bravery all morning to tell you this, THIS is how you reply??

It's 2014. Aren't people more aware of the seriousness of mental illness? I've been a big supporter of Bell's "Let's Talk" Day, and Eating Disorder Awareness Week in the past few years, but I've never really stopped to think about how necessary it might be to raise awareness.  I thought, this day in age, awareness wasn't even an issue; people had to know how real and how debilitating mental illness can be.  But apparently not. My boss is a prime example of how ignorant (and rude) people can still be.

Mental illness, eating disorders especially in this case, are not to be taken lightly.  To put it in perspective, anorexia nearly killed me ten years ago.  My body had deteriorated so badly, and my heartrate was so low, that I was immediately admitted into hospital and hooked up to a half-dozen machines.

After a three month hospital stay, I was healthy enough to go back to "normal" life, but now, even ten years later,  I'm not truly healthy.  Almost every single day since then has been a struggle; every calorie that enters my body has been a tiny battle.  I'm constantly aware of what I eat, and how or if it might affect my weight.

After ten years of stress and anxiety over something as basic as food, you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of letting anorexia and its evil little voice in my head control every day of my life.

I've talked to my parents and close friends, and I've been to several professionals already.  I'm in the process of getting enrolled in an out-patient therapy program. I'm taking steps to make myself healthy, mentally and physically. It's not going to be easy, and to be honest, I'm terrified, but I know it's a HUGELY positive thing in my life.

So, when I went to my boss to try and explain the situation, at the very least I was hoping he'd be happy to hear that I was doing something to improve my health. I never expected to be trivialized, as if the struggle my life has been for the past decade was no big deal, a joke.

The more I reflected on the conversation, the more annoyed I got.  Here I am, making one of the scariest decisions of my life, and you act as if I should just be able to get over it?

And I'm sure he's not the only person around who is so oblivious.  So I write this hoping that even one person will read it, and become a bit more aware of the issue. Please don't be one of those assholes who says hurtful things simply because they don't know any better. Inform yourself, even if it's just from this article. And if you don't want to take it upon yourself to learn, don't. But please, don't ever ever make someone feel as if their problems don't matter, whether it be mental illness or something else.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.