mental health secrets

Despite all the hate that Cosmo magazine receives for its trashy articles and ridiculous sex tips, I have to admit that it's always been a favorite guilty pleasure of mine. Sure, some things they suggest are a bit out there, but in recent years Cosmo has started publishing more articles on things like health, careers, and world issues. After reading through the September issue, however, I'm a little dismayed at a a piece of “advice” they printed.

In a career-focused article about how to “Stay Cool When Life's a Mess”, one issue discussed was what to do if you have an eating disorder or addiction and need to get treatment for it:

“Don't tell your boss. If your workplace offers an anonymous wellness program, use it. If you need to go into treatment, say that you're going on vacation.”

As someone who has recently had to come clean to her boss about having an eating disorder and needing some time off to get professional help, my first thought was how ridiculous this suggestion was. How much time does the average workplace allow as vacation time? As a relatively new employee, I'm guessing two weeks would be the longest period of time I'd be given in one chunk. And that's not gonna cut it for “fixing” the issue.

I've been dealing with an eating disorder for over ten years, and I'm about three months into the recovery journey. Psychologists, dietitians, and group therapy are all part of the process, but so is time. I still have a long way to go before I'll consider myself all better. Two weeks is definitely not enough to take care of an eating disorder, and to suggest that you could pass off entering treatment as a vacation is laughable.

After rolling my eyes at the impracticality of Cosmo's advice, I gave it more thought, and actually became really annoyed. In past Cosmo articles, and in today's society in general, it's been a goal to raise awareness and stop the stereotypes about mental illness. But by saying that an eating disorder is something to keep hidden, they're really just perpetuating the stigma attached to it. Mental illness is real, and it's definitely not a thing to be ashamed, or secretive, of.

I'll get criticized for using the cancer comparison, but the facts of the matter are there: both cancers and eating disorders can kill. But how people perceive them, and treat the two issues, are totally different and unfair. A person diagnosed with cancer and having to undergo chemo would never be told to lie to their boss about needing to go get help. In just about all situations, it would be completely understood that they needed medical help, so they'd be off work in order to receive it. So why is it okay to tell an anorexic to cover up their health concerns with the ruse of “going on vacation”? In both cases, medical treatment is necessary, and there really shouldn't be a reason to keep secrets or disguise the issue.

In my experience, I've been open and honest with everyone I know about having an eating disorder and finally seeking treatment for it. And so far I've been met with nothing but compassion and encouragement to get better. Even at my job, it's been no issue to get time off in order to attend appointments and therapy, and everyone knows what's going on. So I'm very disappointed in Cosmo's advice to do the opposite and keep quiet.

What do you think; should it be the norm to keep mental illness under wraps in the workplace?

strength in numbers

“Misery loves company”.

“There's strength in numbers”.

I've heard lots of variations of the same basic message: having people around you who understand makes a world of difference. Only recently, since beginning to attend a recovery therapy group, am I realizing how very true that is.

Growing up with an eating disorder, I honestly thought I was the only one who had ever had these feelings. Of course, I realized thousands of other girls struggled with body image, diets, and eating disorders. But no one understood my demons; I was a special kind of fucked up, beyond understanding, and without a chance of recovery. On the surface I denied I had a problem, but inside I knew I was far from having normal, healthy thoughts about food and about my body. I just assumed (because of my special, one-of-a-kind, eating disordered brain) that I'd stay this way forever, so acknowledging that I needed help, and getting it, would be a waste of time. So, for ten years, I obsessed, stressed, counted, and restricted; the whole time trying to convince myself I was living a normal life.

Stumbling upon the book “Life Without Ed” by Jenni Shaefer was a harsh eye opener for me. She writes about her journey with her eating disorder; all the way from her first negative thoughts about her body as a small child, to the depths of her struggle, to her eventual recovery to health. As I read, over and over I found myself thinking “Holy crap, WHY would you do that, that's crazy!”, only to realize a half a second later that I'd done the same thing; I was every bit as crazy as her. For the first time, I realized just how messed up my thinking had gotten, and I couldn't deny it anymore. But instead of scaring me, it gave me comfort and hope. This girl, Jenni, had gone on to be happy and healthy, so maybe there was a bit of hope for me, too.

A few months later, and I'm accepted into an intensive recovery program, part of which is a weekly group therapy. Going into my first session, I was pessimistic; none of these girls seemed like likely allies in the pursuit of recovery. At first glance, it was a broad range of women; young, old, skinny, overweight. Honestly, if I had met this group in a normal, everyday context, there was no way we'd somehow emerge as friends.

Before the end of the first meeting, though, I wanted to hug each and every one of them. As each girl talked about her own issues and struggles, it became clear we were all much more similar than I'd thought. In every story, there were feelings and thoughts and confessions that I was all too familiar with, that I had thought I was alone in feeling. Just knowing I wasn't the only one feeling like this was a huge relief. Knowing I wasn't alone in all this made it just a little bit less scary.

Being able to talk to people who are fighting the same demons as I am is incredibly comforting. My friends and family try to be understanding, but they'll never truly get it, and a small part of me is always worried they're judging me, just a little bit. The girls at support group though, they've been there. They've had the same crazy thoughts; they've gone to the same crazy measures in order to obey their eating disorders.

I'm less than a month into the group sessions, but already I feel such a sense of solidarity with everyone there. Each weekly session feels like entering a safe zone, where I'm not the odd man out. I'm surprised by how comfortable I am, sharing things I've never talked about, and crying in front of near strangers. I'm even more surprised by how much I care for these girls; I want each of them to be healthy and happy, and I find myself wondering about how they're doing in between meetings.

Maybe in time I'll get to know these girls more personally, and we can bond over things other than our eating disorders. Ideally, eating disorders won't even be an issue, and we could just be “normal” friends. For now though, I'm just incredibly grateful to have learned that I'm not alone, and I'm not incurable, and that there are amazing, beautiful people right by my side in this battle against ED.

Ignorance (take2)

"So what, you just don't like food?"

This is how my boss responded when I confided that I was seeking treatment for an eating disorder and would need some time off work.

"You know, I just don't get the eating disorder thing. I'd eat anything you put in front of me. They say you live longer if you're skinny anyway."

Really? REALLY?? Despite the fact that talking about it nearly brings me to tears every time, and that I had to work up my bravery all morning to tell you this, THIS is how you reply??

It's 2014. Aren't people more aware of the seriousness of mental illness? I've been a big supporter of Bell's "Let's Talk" Day, and Eating Disorder Awareness Week in the past few years, but I've never really stopped to think about what it meant to "raise awareness".  I just kind of thought, this day in age, it wasn't even an issue of people be unaware.  People had to know how real and how debilitating mental illness can be.  But apparently not. My boss is a prime example of how ignorant (and rude) people can still be.

Mental illness, namely eating disorder in my case, is not to be taken lightly.  Just to put it in perspective, anorexia nearly killed me ten years ago.  At twelve years old, I had dropped down to a disgustingly low weight.  My body had deteriorated so badly, and my heartrate was so low, that I was immediately admitted into hospital and hooked up to a half-dozen machines.

After a three month hospital stay, I was healthy enough to go back to "normal" life, but now, even ten years later,  I'm not truly healthy.  The hospital stay made my body healthy(er), but my mind stayed as crazy as ever.  Almost every single day since then has been a struggle; every calorie that enters my body has been a tiny battle.  I'm constantly aware of what I eat, and how or if it might affect my weight.

After ten years of stress and anxiety over something as basic as food, you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of letting anorexia and its evil little voice in my head control every day of my life.

I've talked to my parents and close friends, and I've been to several professionals already.  I'm in the process of getting enrolled in an out-patient therapy program. I'm taking steps to make myself healthy, mentally and physically. It's not going to be easy, and to be honest, I'm terrified, but I know it's a HUGELY positive thing in my life.

So, when I went to my boss to try and explain the situation, at the very least I was hoping he'd be happy to hear that I was doing something to improve my health. I never expected to be trivialized, as if the struggle my life has been for the past decade was no big deal, a joke.

The more I reflected on the conversation, the more annoyed I got.  Here I am, making one of the scariest decisions of my life, and you act as if I should just be able to get over it?  Now, on top of the appointments, doctors, therapy, and stress, I have to deal with the skepticism and judgment of my boss?

And I know now that he's not the only person around who is so oblivious.  After meeting with other girls at group therapy, I've heard how they all have people in their lives who just don't get it.  Contrary to what these people believe, it's not a matter of just getting over it, just eating a piece of cake. 

I'm not sure my purpose in writing this is.  To raise awareness?  Maybe.  If people read this and choose to learn more about eating disorders, or anything other type of mental illness, great.  I think it's more in the hopes of ending such rudeness in people's ignorance.  Even if you don't understand the struggle of someone else, or if it seems like a silly issue to you, please understand that to them it is a big deal.  Please, please don't make them feel like their problems don't matter.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

Intro to Recovery

I really, really hate myself for it, but my first thought was along the lines of "Good. I'm one of the skinniest girls here."

I had my first orientation meeting with the recovery group today.  Just like after my solo meeting last week, I left feeling discouraged.  I go to the Centre feeling so motivated and so ready to change my life, and I leave feeling defeated, or like I've come to the wrong place.

I'm not like those other sick girls though, I eat all the time.  I just need someone to talk to; I don't need to see a dietitian; I can just talk through some stuff with a psychologist and then I'll probably just be all recovered!  Even while I'm thinking these things I know they're not fully true, but these are the "facts" my brain chooses to cling to.

I want to get better, and then I don't.  Mostly, I'm terrified.  I was diagnosed with an eating disorder at age twelve, and had unhealthy food/body issues for god knows how long before that.  At age twenty-one, I really can't remember ever having a life that wasn't governed by Ed's rules.  Recovery would mean a whole new standard of "normal", and I really don't know if I'm ready for that, or ever will be.  I don't know if I want to give up that feeling of control.

In theory, recovery sounds great.  I'd love to be able to not worry about what I eat or how I look or how much I weigh.  I'd love to relax and not be so uptight and worried all the time.  I'd love to be able to mindlessly eat a bag of chips, and then not feel sickened with guilt afterwards.  But right now, all of those things equate to the same thing in my head: fat.

I keep hearing about these girls who manage to beat their eating disorders, and live normal, healthy lives, and they still look amazing.  And I know their stories are meant to inspire me and convince me that recovery is possible, yet I keep writing myself off as a lost cause.  Mighta worked for them, but this is just the way I am.  This is how my life is, and it's probably not going to change.  And I hate these thoughts, I hate myself for having these thoughts.  I want to believe that I can do this, that life after recovery will be so much better.

But right now it's a huge struggle.

Help??

The Unaware Asshole: Raising Mental Health Awareness

"So what, you just don't like food?"

This is how my boss responded when I confided that I was seeking treatment for an eating disorder and would need some time off work.

"You know, I just don't get the eating disorder thing. I'd eat anything you put in front of me. They say you live longer if you're skinny anyway."

Really? REALLY?? Despite the fact that talking about it nearly brings me to tears every time, and that I had to work up my bravery all morning to tell you this, THIS is how you reply??

It's 2014. Aren't people more aware of the seriousness of mental illness? I've been a big supporter of Bell's "Let's Talk" Day, and Eating Disorder Awareness Week in the past few years, but I've never really stopped to think about how necessary it might be to raise awareness.  I thought, this day in age, awareness wasn't even an issue; people had to know how real and how debilitating mental illness can be.  But apparently not. My boss is a prime example of how ignorant (and rude) people can still be.

Mental illness, eating disorders especially in this case, are not to be taken lightly.  To put it in perspective, anorexia nearly killed me ten years ago.  My body had deteriorated so badly, and my heartrate was so low, that I was immediately admitted into hospital and hooked up to a half-dozen machines.

After a three month hospital stay, I was healthy enough to go back to "normal" life, but now, even ten years later,  I'm not truly healthy.  Almost every single day since then has been a struggle; every calorie that enters my body has been a tiny battle.  I'm constantly aware of what I eat, and how or if it might affect my weight.

After ten years of stress and anxiety over something as basic as food, you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of letting anorexia and its evil little voice in my head control every day of my life.

I've talked to my parents and close friends, and I've been to several professionals already.  I'm in the process of getting enrolled in an out-patient therapy program. I'm taking steps to make myself healthy, mentally and physically. It's not going to be easy, and to be honest, I'm terrified, but I know it's a HUGELY positive thing in my life.

So, when I went to my boss to try and explain the situation, at the very least I was hoping he'd be happy to hear that I was doing something to improve my health. I never expected to be trivialized, as if the struggle my life has been for the past decade was no big deal, a joke.

The more I reflected on the conversation, the more annoyed I got.  Here I am, making one of the scariest decisions of my life, and you act as if I should just be able to get over it?

And I'm sure he's not the only person around who is so oblivious.  So I write this hoping that even one person will read it, and become a bit more aware of the issue. Please don't be one of those assholes who says hurtful things simply because they don't know any better. Inform yourself, even if it's just from this article. And if you don't want to take it upon yourself to learn, don't. But please, don't ever ever make someone feel as if their problems don't matter, whether it be mental illness or something else.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.