I Wish I Couldn't Remember You

I wish I couldn't remember you.
I wish I could forget the first time you kissed me, and the way our bodies fit so well together, and the way you always called me emmaree.

Looking back at the details, no, you weren't a phenomenal boyfriend.  You forgot things and sucked at Valentines Day and never called when you said you would, but maybe that's not what's important in love.  The feelings you gave me overruled all your shortcomings, and to this day I believe we had something special.

It's been eighteen months since you kissed me goodbye, but I didn't know that would be the last kiss.  If I had, I know I would have tried to change things, even if I know my efforts would have been wasted.  I know we're not meant to be, but sometimes I still wish things had happened differently, that maybe we could have found a way to stay together.

Eighteen months, and no one I've met has sparked even a fraction of the feelings I had for you.  I'm starting to worry no one will.  What if you were my one big love in my life, and we ruined it?  I can't help but wonder.

I know you don't, though.  You've moved on, and I really, honestly, want to be happy for you.  But I can't help but be a little sad and jealous, and I hate that I feel like that.  I hate that sometimes I still have to force myself not to click your name on Chat, whether to ask advice, tell you I miss you, or just have a chat.

More than my boyfriend, you were my best friend.  And I haven't found anyone to take over either of those titles.  I miss you, and I wish I could tell you all this, but I know it wouldn't change a thing.

nostalgia

its amazing, the stealth with which nostalgia sneaks up and attacks.

it gives something as innocent as a song, or a photo, or even just the mention of a name the power to swoop in and steal your happy, carefree contentment.

nothing is ever as good as it used to be.
you miss the boy that treated you like crap until he left you completely.
you miss the friends that drifted in and out of your life at their convenience.
you miss the crumby minimum-wage job, and living with your parents, and struggling through community college.

a single reminder of that era of your life, and there goes your saturday night.
now youre in for the night, reminiscing and wishing for the past
looking through every photo, reading every journal entry, lingering in every memory.
futile, immature wishes that you could go back, change this, enjoy that a bit more.
why couldn’t life have stayed so lovely?

i’ve spent minutes, hours, days being sad about how things used to be, and how much they’ve changed.
everything seemed so good back then, what happened? 

of course, no one clings to the bad memories.
looking back it’s all peachy keen.

maybe i should think about that, next time a stray photo triggers thoughts of “better times”.
maybe they weren’t better times, maybe i was just as sad then as i am now.
maybe im just as happy now as i was then, when things were “so much better”. 

yeah, maybe things were great two years ago, but that was two years ago.
enjoy the great things as they come, because they happen everyday, and if you don’t enjoy them now you never will.
just try to be happy with your now, whatever that is.