The Ever-Elusive Best Friend Forever

I've never had the type of true, intimate, best-friends-til-the-end best friendship that most girls I know take for granted.

I've also never been a big fan of pointless drama, mean-spirited gossiping, or saying one thing and meaning a completely different, unkind thing.
And I'm pretty sure those two facts are closely related.

I've always gotten along better with guys; consequently my friend group is primarily made up of bros.
As cliche as it sounds, there's just so much less drama involved.
No unspoken grudges, no hidden jealousy, no snarky fake compliments to go home and try to decode.
Guys call you out on your shit, and tell you if there's a problem, or else just stay chill and choose not to make something an issue if it's not necessary.
Girls, on the other hand, go out of their way to look for a problem, and then store up that conflict until the right time to "get revenge".

I don't understand why so many girls choose to act like this, but in my experience, the large majority do.
Every friendship I've had with a girl has been laced with a bit of fear; I'm always wondering if I've unknowingly done something atrocious that I'll later have to pay for, indirectly.  Text messages are never read at face value; there's always a subtext, something a bit less easy-breezy than just "omg don't worry about it!!!".

I've always been part jealous, part in awe of these "bosom buddies" friendships I see between the girls all around me.  Finding a friend that's unconditionally there for you, and knows all your secrets and lil quirks, seems about as unlikely and challenging as finding your soulmate in a world of six billion people.

How do they do it?  I've had close friends before, almost to the point where I get excited and think "this is it! i've found my true best friend!", but eventually the claws always come out.  I'm sure it's not just me, girls say these vicious things, and do these sneaky tricks to other people too.  So why am I seemingly the only one with a problem with this picture?  Does everyone else accept it as part of the friendship?  Oh sure, she's a terrible bitch behind my back, but I couldn't live without her!

Maybe that's my problem.  Maybe I should tolerate a bit more abuse, in exchange for the coveted "best friend" status I'd like to have.  Maybe a best friend isn't supposed to be nice to you all, or even most, of the time.  Maybe I should start pulling some backhanded moves on the girls I know, in hopes of making that bestie connection.

Or maybe I should keep doing what I'm doing.
Treat everyone kindly, but don't put up with any bullshit.
And maybe someday, I'll find my one-in-six-billion soulmate, in best friend form.

nostalgia

its amazing, the stealth with which nostalgia sneaks up and attacks.

it gives something as innocent as a song, or a photo, or even just the mention of a name the power to swoop in and steal your happy, carefree contentment.

nothing is ever as good as it used to be.
you miss the boy that treated you like crap until he left you completely.
you miss the friends that drifted in and out of your life at their convenience.
you miss the crumby minimum-wage job, and living with your parents, and struggling through community college.

a single reminder of that era of your life, and there goes your saturday night.
now youre in for the night, reminiscing and wishing for the past
looking through every photo, reading every journal entry, lingering in every memory.
futile, immature wishes that you could go back, change this, enjoy that a bit more.
why couldn’t life have stayed so lovely?

i’ve spent minutes, hours, days being sad about how things used to be, and how much they’ve changed.
everything seemed so good back then, what happened? 

of course, no one clings to the bad memories.
looking back it’s all peachy keen.

maybe i should think about that, next time a stray photo triggers thoughts of “better times”.
maybe they weren’t better times, maybe i was just as sad then as i am now.
maybe im just as happy now as i was then, when things were “so much better”. 

yeah, maybe things were great two years ago, but that was two years ago.
enjoy the great things as they come, because they happen everyday, and if you don’t enjoy them now you never will.
just try to be happy with your now, whatever that is.