Recovery Revelations

After two bad days spent loathing my thighs and debating over every bite of food, I've had a beautiful realization that has put me back in the recovery mindset. I feel like every time I run out of enthusiasm for beating ED, it takes a revelation like this to get me back. Each time it's a different, new idea that just makes me remember “RIGHT! THAT'S why recovery is so important”, and I feel like eventually, they're all going to add together, and be ever-present in my mind. Eventually, they won't even be conscious thoughts in my head. It'll just be fact: Recovery is worth it; Life is so much more than having an eating disorder.

Anyway, today's “brand new thought” was really something that, when I really think about it, should be an obvious, duh, thing. But that's what an eating disorder does. It warps your brain, so the normal, rational thoughts don't seem so normal, and the crazy ones make sense.

Life is too amazing to waste precious moments worrying about food.

Obvious, right? Apparently not. There are so many times in my life where I should have been having an amazing experience, and my most prominent memory of it was how I stressed about the food involved.

Specifically, I think about my trip to Thailand last year. Thai food is delicious (Or what I dared to eat was delicious; there was plenty I wouldn't go near, because of all the “unnecessary” calories and fat). And it's incredibly cheap. And a huge part of travelling is getting to try out all the local cuisine. But I missed out on that, because in my crazy lil mind, staying thin is more important than getting the full Thai experience.

Pad thai on the street for lunch? Maybe, but only if I've had a really “good” day up until then, and I'd have to have a light dinner later. Group dinner at the Indian restaurant? Nope, that's pretty risky, I'll have to find a safer meal somewhere on my own. Clubbing the night away in Bangkok? Whoa, I do NOT need all those liquid calories.

WHY DID I LET THOSE THOUGHTS HAVE SO MUCH POWER OVER SUCH AN AMAZING OPPORTUNITY???

I'm going to Bangkok (along with a few other Asian destinations) again in a few months. I don't want a repeat of last time; I want to soak in every bit of the experience I can. I don't want Ed to hold me back from doing the things I want to do, and from joining in on all the group's fun.

In my mind it's easy to be like “Of course I won't let Ed ruin my holiday; I'll be stronger by then, I can eat whatever I want”. But if I were to be offered a big plate of curry tomorrow, I'd still probably panic and try to avoid it. I still have a lot of work to do towards recovery.

More and more though, I can see that it's worth it.

Even outside of the big things like travelling the world and tasting its foods, it's worth it in everyday life. Birthdays, family dinners, Christmas; they all revolve around food, and they're all supposed to be enjoyable experiences! As long as you keep listening to Ed, however, they're still going to be stressful! Life shouldn't be all about the food and the calories and your weight. It should be about enjoying each moment, and appreciating each moment.

Each day, I have to force myself. Some days, I have to force myself with each bite. But little by little, it'll get easier. And eventually I'll have that final realization that links all the little ones together, and sticks. Recovery is a struggle, but it means a full, amazing life, and I have to keep reminding myself how very much I want it, and it's worth all that struggle.

Just think of all that pad thai...mmmmmm.

Compare and Despair

Last September was a month of positive, fresh starts and the beginning of a lot of cool things in my life. Looking back I'm equally impressed and confused as to how I had so many things going for me. I had just moved into my first apartment, and my best friend was my new awesome roommate. I had a decent-sized group of good friends, and I was dating a guy who treated me like gold. And to top it off, I had just started a new professional “grown-up” job that I was so happy to have gotten.

If I start to compare that to my life at the moment, it is so, so easy to get stuck in a “WOW my life sucks” mindset. I'm currently living in my parents' basement, with just some creepy crawly spiders for roommates. My best friend is my mother, and I haven't been on a date in months. And that dream job? I still work there, but it turns out being the office's “girl who does all the bitch work” isn't quite as fun as I imagined.

Oh, and to make life even more fun, I've been (re)diagnosed with an eating disorder and have been going to therapy/psychology/dietitian sessions for the past few months.

AIN”T LIFE GRAND?

And yeah. There are definitely days when I do do that comparison, and I do get pretty down about it. How did I manage to mess up everything good in my life, in just one year?

Overall though, I feel like everything that is happening right now is happening because it should. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, whether you know that reason or not. To an outsider, my life looks like a mess, but like most circumstances in life, you can choose to you see them as either positive or negative. So I'm choosing to see the positives in this pile of crap life has thrown at me.

Moving back in with my parents has done nothing but good for my health; mentally and physically (and financially). I value my relationships with my parents more than ever. I may have a smaller social group, but it's a pretty good one. Because of my awful job, I'm planning on going back to school to study something I'm truly passionate about. And all that awful therapy? It's been a long time coming, and already it's done wonders to improve my life, health, and happiness.

It's so easy to slip into the negativity and to wish for the past and better times. I could easily be in tears daily, beating myself up about how I ruined everything. But even the biggest mistakes in life can lead to amazing things in the future. Everything happens for a reason, and life gets better. Already I can see hints of better days to come, and it's just a matter of keeping that in mind and staying positive.

Life's pretty cool, even when it's not.

The Little Things that Make Me Happy

1. Big hugs when I need them most
2. Laughing fits
3. The perfect cup of coffee
4. Or tea
5. Long talks with good friends
6. When its warm enough to go outside without layers
7. Playing my favorite music so loud I can feel it
8. Crawling into clean sheets with freshly shaved legs
9. Surprise "just because" text messages from friends
10. Looking through old photo albums
11. Thick warm socks
12. Unexpected compliments
13, Friendly/funny interactions with strangers
14. Yummy scented candles
15. Being the little spoon
16. Early morning walks in foreign countries
17. Getting snail mail
18. Meeting someone and having an instant click
19. Successfully telling a joke
20. Doing something nice for someone, and knowing they appreciate it
21. Spending the day with my mama
22. Burny-hot bubble baths
23. Discovering a pretty dress has pockets
24. Song lyrics that say what I don't have the words to
25. Finding "hidden" money in my underwear drawer
26. Driving on hot summer days with the music loud
27. Toes in the sand
28. Cooking a yummy meal, or baking treats for people I love
29. Game nights with crazy relatives

6 Positive Changes I'll Be Making in 2014

To everyone else, I preach about the importance of fighting for happiness, and how you have to choose to be happy, and be positive, and how "life's what you make it" and all that nonsense.
When it comes to my own life though, far too often I'm a Negative Nellie, focusing on what's going wrong in my life, and feeling sorry for myself, and not doing much of anything to try and make things better.

I'm at a place right now, however, where I think life is just telling me to make some changes.  I've had some shitty, sad times lately, and the need and the opportunity to make changes and make myself happier is here.

Roommates, work, friends, family, romance, health, money, you name it.  I've had things go wrong and things stress me out in every aspect of my life over the past few months.  But I'm going to make positive changes, and I think I can sort out most of my issues.  Here are some of my generalized, applies-to-everyone, try-to-be-happier pieces of life advice.

1.  Spend time with your family.  Some of my happiest days in the past year have been spent playing board games and laughing my head off with my mama and aunties.  Even hanging out with my dad, who I normally argue with constantly, can put me in a better mood some days.  Spending time with people who love you no matter what is essential to being happy.  Of course,  some days you won't get along.  Some days they'll drive you crazy.  But do what you can to ignore those annoying habits, and not spring into defense mode when they say something questionable.  Life's easier (and happier) if you accept your family as the weird, annoying, overprotective, whatever they may be and just enjoy the time you have together.

2.  Reach out to your friends, and make an effort.  Way too often I get into slumps of feeling sorry for myself and thinking I don't have any friends.  Swallow your pride and be the one to make contact!  Reach out to friends you haven't seen in ages!  More often than not they're more than happy to hear from you.  Friendship works both ways, and you can't sit around waiting for people to call you.  It might seem scary, but unless you want to sit around and be lonely and sad, sometimes you have to be brave and make the first phonecall/text/email/visit!

3.  Take care of yourself!  It's too easy to let your health slip.  Eat enough, and eat the right kinds of food.  Get some exercise once in a while too!  And get enough sleep, even if you think you're fine to run on five hours of sleep a night.  I was slackin' on alllll these things, and I felt like crap, physically and emotionally.  It's really not hard to make a few changes, and it's worth it.  You only get one body in this lifetime, take care of it!

4.  Be responsible with your money, but don't stress about it.  I've always been a notorious saver.  Every penny would be accounted for, and either spent on necessary bills or put into a savings account.  Sure, it's important to be smart with your money, but you can't become too stingy about it!  My mama always says she's never seen a bank truck following a hearse.  Which basically means you can't take your money with you when you're dead. So enjoy it a bit while you're alive!  Don't feel bad about spending  a lil on a special treat for yourself; you work hard for your money (I'm assuming) and deserve to spend it on things that make you happy.

5.  Don't spend your time pining over someone who doesn't love you or doesn't treat you right.  They're not going to suddenly change how they act, and they're probably not going to suddenly fall head over heels for you.  Wishing they would is a waste of your time, and will just make you sad.  Someone else will love you the way you should be loved, but it won't happen until you move on from that asshole!

6.  Notice the good things.  When something nice happens in your day, take a minute to appreciate it!  Too often I've ignore the little happy things and dwell on crappy things that ultimately don't matter.  Even something as trivial as "oh! some of the snow melted out of my driveway!" made me a lot happier as I got into my car this morning.  Stuff like that.  Just take a second, and be happy about the happy things.

six things i've learned in 2013

i feel like i’ve learned a lot of life lessons the hard way during this past year.

sure, a lot of great things have happened over the last twelve months.  i graduated college, spent a month in asia, moved into my first apartment, and started my first big girl job. but a lot of things have fucked up too, and most of those things were my own doing.  it’s been an eventful year to say the least, and i’d like to think i’m entering 2014 just a little bit wiser because of it.

so, a few tidbits of life wisdom acquired in 2013:

1. friendships are hard.  i’ve gained friends, lost friends, became reacquainted with old friends, drifted from good friends, and drifted in and out of social circles.  i’m twenty-one and still haven’t met that magical best friend every girl wishes for.  i try to be a good friend as much as possible, but sometimes things don’t work out. friendship requires a real effort from both parties.  i admit, sometimes i could do a bit more, so in 2014 i will focus my efforts on making and maintaining some genuine friendships in my life.

2. don’t let yourself get homesick on a month-long backpacking trip on the other side of the world.  okay, this seems like a very specific life lesson, but the general idea of it applies to a lot of life. don’t let thoughts of the past, or other places, get in the way of enjoying what’s happening here and now.  i spent nights in thailand being sad and missing my friends and family back home.  what kind of crazy person does that?  enjoy, embrace, and appreciate the now.  before you know it, you’re back home dreaming of thai beaches, and wishing you’d enjoyed it more.

3. don’t rush into a rebound relationship.  duh.  it’s shitty for the other person, it’s shitty for you, and you look mentally unstable when you publicly change your facebook relationship status back to single after that three-week “relationship”.  trust me on this one.

4.  life’s kinda lame after college.  you don’t see your friends everyday, you don’t get the fun “back to school” september feeling, and if you don’t have a full-time job after graduation, you don’t have anything to fill your time with.  and then once you do get a job, you can’t just make the executive decision to just stay home from work because you feel icky some day.  if you’re still in college, APPRECIATE YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW, the real world sucks.  if you’re done and already in the real world…shitty, i guess.

5, don’t move in with your best friend.  you hear this advice all the time, and yet everyone thinks “oh, no, we won’t be like that!  it’ll be totally chill, i’ll love living with my bestie!”  no, you won’t.  spending a lot of time with someone, and living with someone, are completely different creatures.  little things will bug you, grudges will form, and eventually the friendship will deteriorate.  (i’m not saying myself and my soon-to-be-ex-roommate aren’t friends anymore, i’m just saying we were A LOT closer friends before we did the whole living together thing.)

6. never ever ever take your parents for granted. this really should be another “duh”. my parents and i have always been close, but i never really appreciated how great they are until i moved out of their house.  they’ve saved my ass a lot in the past year.  and i’ve become even better friends with both of them.  nobody’s gonna be there for you like your parents are, so spend that quality time with them!  say those “i love you”s!  

2013 was a year of growing up, and i hope i’m just a little bit more prepared for life after it.  unfortunately, just when you start to think life’s going your way, a few obstacles pop up, so hopefully my newfound wisdom will help me through the next few months.  here’s hoping 2014 will be a happier year!

nostalgia

its amazing, the stealth with which nostalgia sneaks up and attacks.

it gives something as innocent as a song, or a photo, or even just the mention of a name the power to swoop in and steal your happy, carefree contentment.

nothing is ever as good as it used to be.
you miss the boy that treated you like crap until he left you completely.
you miss the friends that drifted in and out of your life at their convenience.
you miss the crumby minimum-wage job, and living with your parents, and struggling through community college.

a single reminder of that era of your life, and there goes your saturday night.
now youre in for the night, reminiscing and wishing for the past
looking through every photo, reading every journal entry, lingering in every memory.
futile, immature wishes that you could go back, change this, enjoy that a bit more.
why couldn’t life have stayed so lovely?

i’ve spent minutes, hours, days being sad about how things used to be, and how much they’ve changed.
everything seemed so good back then, what happened? 

of course, no one clings to the bad memories.
looking back it’s all peachy keen.

maybe i should think about that, next time a stray photo triggers thoughts of “better times”.
maybe they weren’t better times, maybe i was just as sad then as i am now.
maybe im just as happy now as i was then, when things were “so much better”. 

yeah, maybe things were great two years ago, but that was two years ago.
enjoy the great things as they come, because they happen everyday, and if you don’t enjoy them now you never will.
just try to be happy with your now, whatever that is.