After two bad days spent loathing my
thighs and debating over every bite of food, I've had a beautiful
realization that has put me back in the recovery mindset. I feel
like every time I run out of enthusiasm for beating ED, it takes a
revelation like this to get me back. Each time it's a different, new
idea that just makes me remember “RIGHT! THAT'S why recovery is so
important”, and I feel like eventually, they're all going to add
together, and be ever-present in my mind. Eventually, they won't
even be conscious thoughts in my head. It'll just be fact: Recovery
is worth it; Life is so much more than having an eating disorder.
Anyway, today's “brand new thought”
was really something that, when I really think about it, should be an
obvious, duh, thing. But that's what an eating disorder does. It
warps your brain, so the normal, rational thoughts don't seem so
normal, and the crazy ones make sense.
Life is too amazing to waste
precious moments worrying about food.
Obvious,
right? Apparently not. There are so many times in my life where I
should have been having an amazing experience, and my most prominent
memory of it was how I stressed about the food involved.
Specifically,
I think about my trip to Thailand last year. Thai food is delicious
(Or what I dared to eat was delicious; there was plenty I wouldn't go
near, because of all the “unnecessary” calories and fat). And
it's incredibly cheap. And a huge part of travelling is getting to
try out all the local cuisine. But I missed out on that, because in
my crazy lil mind, staying thin is more important than getting the
full Thai experience.
Pad
thai on the street for lunch? Maybe, but only if I've had a really
“good” day up until then, and I'd have to have a light dinner
later. Group dinner at the Indian restaurant? Nope, that's pretty
risky, I'll have to find a safer meal somewhere on my own. Clubbing
the night away in Bangkok? Whoa, I do NOT need all those liquid
calories.
WHY
DID I LET THOSE THOUGHTS HAVE SO MUCH POWER OVER SUCH AN AMAZING
OPPORTUNITY???
I'm
going to Bangkok (along with a few other Asian destinations) again in
a few months. I don't want a repeat of last time; I want to soak in
every bit of the experience I can. I don't want Ed to hold me back
from doing the things I want to do, and from joining in on all the
group's fun.
In my
mind it's easy to be like “Of course I won't let Ed ruin my
holiday; I'll be stronger by then, I can eat whatever I want”. But
if I were to be offered a big plate of curry tomorrow, I'd still
probably panic and try to avoid it. I still have a lot
of work to do towards recovery.
More
and more though, I can see that it's worth it.
Even
outside of the big things like travelling the world and tasting its
foods, it's worth it in everyday life. Birthdays, family dinners,
Christmas; they all revolve around food, and they're
all supposed to be enjoyable experiences!
As long as you keep listening to Ed, however, they're still going to
be stressful! Life shouldn't be all about the food and the calories
and your weight. It should be about enjoying each moment, and
appreciating each moment.
Each
day, I have to force myself. Some days, I have to force myself with
each bite. But little by little, it'll get easier. And eventually
I'll have that final realization that links all the little ones
together, and sticks. Recovery is a struggle, but it means a full,
amazing life, and I have to keep reminding myself how very much I
want it, and it's worth all that struggle.
Just
think of all that pad thai...mmmmmm.
