Recovery Revelations

After two bad days spent loathing my thighs and debating over every bite of food, I've had a beautiful realization that has put me back in the recovery mindset. I feel like every time I run out of enthusiasm for beating ED, it takes a revelation like this to get me back. Each time it's a different, new idea that just makes me remember “RIGHT! THAT'S why recovery is so important”, and I feel like eventually, they're all going to add together, and be ever-present in my mind. Eventually, they won't even be conscious thoughts in my head. It'll just be fact: Recovery is worth it; Life is so much more than having an eating disorder.

Anyway, today's “brand new thought” was really something that, when I really think about it, should be an obvious, duh, thing. But that's what an eating disorder does. It warps your brain, so the normal, rational thoughts don't seem so normal, and the crazy ones make sense.

Life is too amazing to waste precious moments worrying about food.

Obvious, right? Apparently not. There are so many times in my life where I should have been having an amazing experience, and my most prominent memory of it was how I stressed about the food involved.

Specifically, I think about my trip to Thailand last year. Thai food is delicious (Or what I dared to eat was delicious; there was plenty I wouldn't go near, because of all the “unnecessary” calories and fat). And it's incredibly cheap. And a huge part of travelling is getting to try out all the local cuisine. But I missed out on that, because in my crazy lil mind, staying thin is more important than getting the full Thai experience.

Pad thai on the street for lunch? Maybe, but only if I've had a really “good” day up until then, and I'd have to have a light dinner later. Group dinner at the Indian restaurant? Nope, that's pretty risky, I'll have to find a safer meal somewhere on my own. Clubbing the night away in Bangkok? Whoa, I do NOT need all those liquid calories.

WHY DID I LET THOSE THOUGHTS HAVE SO MUCH POWER OVER SUCH AN AMAZING OPPORTUNITY???

I'm going to Bangkok (along with a few other Asian destinations) again in a few months. I don't want a repeat of last time; I want to soak in every bit of the experience I can. I don't want Ed to hold me back from doing the things I want to do, and from joining in on all the group's fun.

In my mind it's easy to be like “Of course I won't let Ed ruin my holiday; I'll be stronger by then, I can eat whatever I want”. But if I were to be offered a big plate of curry tomorrow, I'd still probably panic and try to avoid it. I still have a lot of work to do towards recovery.

More and more though, I can see that it's worth it.

Even outside of the big things like travelling the world and tasting its foods, it's worth it in everyday life. Birthdays, family dinners, Christmas; they all revolve around food, and they're all supposed to be enjoyable experiences! As long as you keep listening to Ed, however, they're still going to be stressful! Life shouldn't be all about the food and the calories and your weight. It should be about enjoying each moment, and appreciating each moment.

Each day, I have to force myself. Some days, I have to force myself with each bite. But little by little, it'll get easier. And eventually I'll have that final realization that links all the little ones together, and sticks. Recovery is a struggle, but it means a full, amazing life, and I have to keep reminding myself how very much I want it, and it's worth all that struggle.

Just think of all that pad thai...mmmmmm.

on being a self-proclaimed travel snob

I am a travel snob, and I both love and hate that about myself.

I love that I have had the experiences and opportunities to be able to consider myself a “real traveler”.  I love that when travel stories come up, I can usually tell the best story, no matter what group of people I’m in.

I hate that this makes me come off as arrogant and privileged, and probably annoying to talk to sometimes.

However, I wouldn’t change it for the world.  Hopefully as the years go on, I’ll add to my repertoire and earn my title of travel snob a bit more.  Each adventure I go on shows me a bit more of the craziness of this world, and the things I’ve seen and experienced have opened my eyes to so many new worlds.

After sleeping in hostels and climbing volcanoes, I can’t help but scoff when people go on a week-long, all-inclusive beach holiday and then dub themselves a “wanderlust”.  THAT IS NOT TRAVELING, FOLKS.  That is tourist-ing, and honestly I don’t understand the appeal of it.  $2,000 to lie in the sun and read tabloids for a week?  Yeah, I’m sure you’re getting a real culture shock there…

To me, a large part of the fun of travel is the risk, the surprise of finding out just how different from home a place can be.  If I’m on the other side of the world, I don’t want to eat my favorite fast food from home; I don’t want to sleep in a queen size bed, in a five-star hotel.  Show me how the locals do, immerse me in the culture!  Bring me to the secret places only the adventurers know, show me where to get the yummiest local cuisine!  You know a place I can stay for $4 a night?  Excellent!  I honestly don’t mind sharing a room with some other poor backpackers at this point; they make good pals!

I know many people would turn up their nose at my choice of destination/accommodation/transport/food, and that’s good for them, I guess.  If you’d really rather stay in your safe haven on a resort, that’s fine.  But don’t be surprised when I zone out and start daydreaming of where I can head next with my backpack next time you start telling me about your fabulous trip to the Bahamas

six things i've learned in 2013

i feel like i’ve learned a lot of life lessons the hard way during this past year.

sure, a lot of great things have happened over the last twelve months.  i graduated college, spent a month in asia, moved into my first apartment, and started my first big girl job. but a lot of things have fucked up too, and most of those things were my own doing.  it’s been an eventful year to say the least, and i’d like to think i’m entering 2014 just a little bit wiser because of it.

so, a few tidbits of life wisdom acquired in 2013:

1. friendships are hard.  i’ve gained friends, lost friends, became reacquainted with old friends, drifted from good friends, and drifted in and out of social circles.  i’m twenty-one and still haven’t met that magical best friend every girl wishes for.  i try to be a good friend as much as possible, but sometimes things don’t work out. friendship requires a real effort from both parties.  i admit, sometimes i could do a bit more, so in 2014 i will focus my efforts on making and maintaining some genuine friendships in my life.

2. don’t let yourself get homesick on a month-long backpacking trip on the other side of the world.  okay, this seems like a very specific life lesson, but the general idea of it applies to a lot of life. don’t let thoughts of the past, or other places, get in the way of enjoying what’s happening here and now.  i spent nights in thailand being sad and missing my friends and family back home.  what kind of crazy person does that?  enjoy, embrace, and appreciate the now.  before you know it, you’re back home dreaming of thai beaches, and wishing you’d enjoyed it more.

3. don’t rush into a rebound relationship.  duh.  it’s shitty for the other person, it’s shitty for you, and you look mentally unstable when you publicly change your facebook relationship status back to single after that three-week “relationship”.  trust me on this one.

4.  life’s kinda lame after college.  you don’t see your friends everyday, you don’t get the fun “back to school” september feeling, and if you don’t have a full-time job after graduation, you don’t have anything to fill your time with.  and then once you do get a job, you can’t just make the executive decision to just stay home from work because you feel icky some day.  if you’re still in college, APPRECIATE YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW, the real world sucks.  if you’re done and already in the real world…shitty, i guess.

5, don’t move in with your best friend.  you hear this advice all the time, and yet everyone thinks “oh, no, we won’t be like that!  it’ll be totally chill, i’ll love living with my bestie!”  no, you won’t.  spending a lot of time with someone, and living with someone, are completely different creatures.  little things will bug you, grudges will form, and eventually the friendship will deteriorate.  (i’m not saying myself and my soon-to-be-ex-roommate aren’t friends anymore, i’m just saying we were A LOT closer friends before we did the whole living together thing.)

6. never ever ever take your parents for granted. this really should be another “duh”. my parents and i have always been close, but i never really appreciated how great they are until i moved out of their house.  they’ve saved my ass a lot in the past year.  and i’ve become even better friends with both of them.  nobody’s gonna be there for you like your parents are, so spend that quality time with them!  say those “i love you”s!  

2013 was a year of growing up, and i hope i’m just a little bit more prepared for life after it.  unfortunately, just when you start to think life’s going your way, a few obstacles pop up, so hopefully my newfound wisdom will help me through the next few months.  here’s hoping 2014 will be a happier year!