I Wish I Couldn't Remember You

I wish I couldn't remember you.
I wish I could forget the first time you kissed me, and the way our bodies fit so well together, and the way you always called me emmaree.

Looking back at the details, no, you weren't a phenomenal boyfriend.  You forgot things and sucked at Valentines Day and never called when you said you would, but maybe that's not what's important in love.  The feelings you gave me overruled all your shortcomings, and to this day I believe we had something special.

It's been eighteen months since you kissed me goodbye, but I didn't know that would be the last kiss.  If I had, I know I would have tried to change things, even if I know my efforts would have been wasted.  I know we're not meant to be, but sometimes I still wish things had happened differently, that maybe we could have found a way to stay together.

Eighteen months, and no one I've met has sparked even a fraction of the feelings I had for you.  I'm starting to worry no one will.  What if you were my one big love in my life, and we ruined it?  I can't help but wonder.

I know you don't, though.  You've moved on, and I really, honestly, want to be happy for you.  But I can't help but be a little sad and jealous, and I hate that I feel like that.  I hate that sometimes I still have to force myself not to click your name on Chat, whether to ask advice, tell you I miss you, or just have a chat.

More than my boyfriend, you were my best friend.  And I haven't found anyone to take over either of those titles.  I miss you, and I wish I could tell you all this, but I know it wouldn't change a thing.

The Ever-Elusive Best Friend Forever

I've never had the type of true, intimate, best-friends-til-the-end best friendship that most girls I know take for granted.

I've also never been a big fan of pointless drama, mean-spirited gossiping, or saying one thing and meaning a completely different, unkind thing.
And I'm pretty sure those two facts are closely related.

I've always gotten along better with guys; consequently my friend group is primarily made up of bros.
As cliche as it sounds, there's just so much less drama involved.
No unspoken grudges, no hidden jealousy, no snarky fake compliments to go home and try to decode.
Guys call you out on your shit, and tell you if there's a problem, or else just stay chill and choose not to make something an issue if it's not necessary.
Girls, on the other hand, go out of their way to look for a problem, and then store up that conflict until the right time to "get revenge".

I don't understand why so many girls choose to act like this, but in my experience, the large majority do.
Every friendship I've had with a girl has been laced with a bit of fear; I'm always wondering if I've unknowingly done something atrocious that I'll later have to pay for, indirectly.  Text messages are never read at face value; there's always a subtext, something a bit less easy-breezy than just "omg don't worry about it!!!".

I've always been part jealous, part in awe of these "bosom buddies" friendships I see between the girls all around me.  Finding a friend that's unconditionally there for you, and knows all your secrets and lil quirks, seems about as unlikely and challenging as finding your soulmate in a world of six billion people.

How do they do it?  I've had close friends before, almost to the point where I get excited and think "this is it! i've found my true best friend!", but eventually the claws always come out.  I'm sure it's not just me, girls say these vicious things, and do these sneaky tricks to other people too.  So why am I seemingly the only one with a problem with this picture?  Does everyone else accept it as part of the friendship?  Oh sure, she's a terrible bitch behind my back, but I couldn't live without her!

Maybe that's my problem.  Maybe I should tolerate a bit more abuse, in exchange for the coveted "best friend" status I'd like to have.  Maybe a best friend isn't supposed to be nice to you all, or even most, of the time.  Maybe I should start pulling some backhanded moves on the girls I know, in hopes of making that bestie connection.

Or maybe I should keep doing what I'm doing.
Treat everyone kindly, but don't put up with any bullshit.
And maybe someday, I'll find my one-in-six-billion soulmate, in best friend form.

6 Positive Changes I'll Be Making in 2014

To everyone else, I preach about the importance of fighting for happiness, and how you have to choose to be happy, and be positive, and how "life's what you make it" and all that nonsense.
When it comes to my own life though, far too often I'm a Negative Nellie, focusing on what's going wrong in my life, and feeling sorry for myself, and not doing much of anything to try and make things better.

I'm at a place right now, however, where I think life is just telling me to make some changes.  I've had some shitty, sad times lately, and the need and the opportunity to make changes and make myself happier is here.

Roommates, work, friends, family, romance, health, money, you name it.  I've had things go wrong and things stress me out in every aspect of my life over the past few months.  But I'm going to make positive changes, and I think I can sort out most of my issues.  Here are some of my generalized, applies-to-everyone, try-to-be-happier pieces of life advice.

1.  Spend time with your family.  Some of my happiest days in the past year have been spent playing board games and laughing my head off with my mama and aunties.  Even hanging out with my dad, who I normally argue with constantly, can put me in a better mood some days.  Spending time with people who love you no matter what is essential to being happy.  Of course,  some days you won't get along.  Some days they'll drive you crazy.  But do what you can to ignore those annoying habits, and not spring into defense mode when they say something questionable.  Life's easier (and happier) if you accept your family as the weird, annoying, overprotective, whatever they may be and just enjoy the time you have together.

2.  Reach out to your friends, and make an effort.  Way too often I get into slumps of feeling sorry for myself and thinking I don't have any friends.  Swallow your pride and be the one to make contact!  Reach out to friends you haven't seen in ages!  More often than not they're more than happy to hear from you.  Friendship works both ways, and you can't sit around waiting for people to call you.  It might seem scary, but unless you want to sit around and be lonely and sad, sometimes you have to be brave and make the first phonecall/text/email/visit!

3.  Take care of yourself!  It's too easy to let your health slip.  Eat enough, and eat the right kinds of food.  Get some exercise once in a while too!  And get enough sleep, even if you think you're fine to run on five hours of sleep a night.  I was slackin' on alllll these things, and I felt like crap, physically and emotionally.  It's really not hard to make a few changes, and it's worth it.  You only get one body in this lifetime, take care of it!

4.  Be responsible with your money, but don't stress about it.  I've always been a notorious saver.  Every penny would be accounted for, and either spent on necessary bills or put into a savings account.  Sure, it's important to be smart with your money, but you can't become too stingy about it!  My mama always says she's never seen a bank truck following a hearse.  Which basically means you can't take your money with you when you're dead. So enjoy it a bit while you're alive!  Don't feel bad about spending  a lil on a special treat for yourself; you work hard for your money (I'm assuming) and deserve to spend it on things that make you happy.

5.  Don't spend your time pining over someone who doesn't love you or doesn't treat you right.  They're not going to suddenly change how they act, and they're probably not going to suddenly fall head over heels for you.  Wishing they would is a waste of your time, and will just make you sad.  Someone else will love you the way you should be loved, but it won't happen until you move on from that asshole!

6.  Notice the good things.  When something nice happens in your day, take a minute to appreciate it!  Too often I've ignore the little happy things and dwell on crappy things that ultimately don't matter.  Even something as trivial as "oh! some of the snow melted out of my driveway!" made me a lot happier as I got into my car this morning.  Stuff like that.  Just take a second, and be happy about the happy things.

Seven Reasons Why Moving Back Into Your Parents' House Isn't the Worst Thing in the World

I just have to accept it, and try to make the best of this.

After four months of lovely freedom in my own lil apartment, I have to give it up and move back in with my parents.  Roommate problems, and money problems, and other assorted grownup problems suck, but giving up my independence and living under my parents' roof sucks harder.

But, that's the way things have to be, for a while at least.  So I'd better just accept it and look at the positive parts of this shitty situation.

1. FREE LIVING!  Honestly, this is the one I have to keep reminding myself of.  Without rent, and power bills, and grocery bills, I'm going to have a surplus of dollars.  I haven't had any fun with my money since I moved out, so it'll be a nice change to be able to enjoy what I've earned, instead of having to budget every penny in order to afford my life.

2. Warmth!  Literally.  My apartment is always cold.  Going home to mom and dads' and just stepping on their warm floor is always nice.  So living in a climate that's not antarctic is going to be a nice change.

3.  NO shoveling!  Between having a roommate that doesn't help out, a huge driveway, and living in the land of the ice and snow, this winter has been brutal.  I've gained muscle mass because of all the snow clearing I've done.  My parents, however, live right near the ocean in a windy place, so they hardly ever need to clear the driveway.  And if they do, my good ol' daddy-o can take care of it with his snowblower.

4.  Less driving!  My friends live near my parents, my work is near my parents, my parents are right there.  All the places I go are super close, which means I'll spend a whole lot less time (and money!!!) getting around in my normal life.

5.  Quiet!  My parents are lovely quiet people.  My landlord, who lives above me, is not.  No more hearing thumping around furniture in the middle of the night, or crazy children running around allllll the time.  Plus, I don't have to worry about "waking the baby upstairs" if I have my music on too loud.  Win win.

6.  Cable!  Because of being poor, I have no idea what's going on in any current TV shows, or in the news, or anything to do with celeb gossip.  I'm more out of the loop than I would have expected!  Soooon I'll be back in the know.

7.  My mama!  I know, at times I'm going to be going crazy from such close contact with both my parents.  But for the most part I like having my mom around.  We hang out and talk a lot, so being able to just go upstairs and see what she's doing will be good again.

It's going to be a weird adjustment for a while, but as long as I stay positive, I probably won't go crazy. Here it goes, family living 2.0!

Don't Move in With Your Best Friend (Believe Me on This One.)

All the advice and warnings that say you shouldn't move in with your best friend?

Yeah, you should listen to them.

You are not the exception, your friendship is not stronger than all the others, you are not going to stay best friends, and things ARE going to change.

I wish someone had drilled this into my head about four months ago.

My first apartment, with my best friend, how could life get any better?  We were both so excited about it.  We never fight, we like the same things, and we usually agree on most things.  We were sure that living together would be great; we weren't like all those petty girls we'd heard about moving in together and then growing to hate each other.

The first month or so was great, after we got over the fear of pooping around each other (I don't think she was ever fully comfortable when I was around).  We had late night chats, breakfast dates, and teamwork-cleaned the kitchen after having all our friends over.  Life was fun.

Little by little though, things changed.  Big time.  We hung out less frequently, and when we did it seemed like more of an obligation than true friendship time.  The little quirks about each other we had first ignored now seemed like huge annoyances.  Grudges built up like crazy.  Not to mention the fact that housework was no longer a "teamwork" thing..it was more like I was playing housewife.  Which is even less fun when winter comes and that job includes clearing a driveway for both of our cars.

To be fair, I'm sure I have terrible habits, and I know at times I'm not the best possible roommate.  But I do what I can, and I really don't think I'm that hard to live with.

Eventually I came to a breaking point, and knew I needed to move out.  Almost as soon as I brought it up to my roommate, she was gone.  Vanished.  All her shit, gone.  And all I could wonder was, am I that terrible to live with?

Actually, I'm still wondering it.  This is a right-now event in my life, and I feel awful about it.  I don't know what to expect, friendship-wise.  I have enough things to worry about, between normal life and now trying to find a new apartment, but on top of that I'm pretty sure I lost my best friend.

I don't have a wide array of friends as it is, so losing any of them would be pretty hard.  But this was my very best friend, the one I could always count on when I needed a best friend cuppa tea, or just a chat, or even a good silly laugh.  I don't know if any of that will be happening anymore.  It feels like it won't.  It feels like a breakup.

In the future, I'll be living alone or with people I barely know.  (Until I'm eventually in love and stuff, but that's a whole nother issue.)  There's too much at risk when you live with your best friend.  I wish I had believed all the people who warned me.

on being a self-proclaimed travel snob

I am a travel snob, and I both love and hate that about myself.

I love that I have had the experiences and opportunities to be able to consider myself a “real traveler”.  I love that when travel stories come up, I can usually tell the best story, no matter what group of people I’m in.

I hate that this makes me come off as arrogant and privileged, and probably annoying to talk to sometimes.

However, I wouldn’t change it for the world.  Hopefully as the years go on, I’ll add to my repertoire and earn my title of travel snob a bit more.  Each adventure I go on shows me a bit more of the craziness of this world, and the things I’ve seen and experienced have opened my eyes to so many new worlds.

After sleeping in hostels and climbing volcanoes, I can’t help but scoff when people go on a week-long, all-inclusive beach holiday and then dub themselves a “wanderlust”.  THAT IS NOT TRAVELING, FOLKS.  That is tourist-ing, and honestly I don’t understand the appeal of it.  $2,000 to lie in the sun and read tabloids for a week?  Yeah, I’m sure you’re getting a real culture shock there…

To me, a large part of the fun of travel is the risk, the surprise of finding out just how different from home a place can be.  If I’m on the other side of the world, I don’t want to eat my favorite fast food from home; I don’t want to sleep in a queen size bed, in a five-star hotel.  Show me how the locals do, immerse me in the culture!  Bring me to the secret places only the adventurers know, show me where to get the yummiest local cuisine!  You know a place I can stay for $4 a night?  Excellent!  I honestly don’t mind sharing a room with some other poor backpackers at this point; they make good pals!

I know many people would turn up their nose at my choice of destination/accommodation/transport/food, and that’s good for them, I guess.  If you’d really rather stay in your safe haven on a resort, that’s fine.  But don’t be surprised when I zone out and start daydreaming of where I can head next with my backpack next time you start telling me about your fabulous trip to the Bahamas